Positive Parenting Refresher

At the beginning of the year, I asked if anyone needed a positive parenting refresher, and one of the ways I thought I could do that is by talking about books, articles and podcasts by parenting experts that I love. That way, you don’t have to read all the books, because that can be so daunting. I have to admit, I usually (always) listen to or read about the topics I am currently struggling with. So today, I want to talk about this amazing podcast by Janet Lansbury called Unruffled. The episode I want to discuss is called “The Securely Attached Child + How to Handle Disrespectful Behavior” with the equally amazing Dr Tina Payne Bryson (who co-authored No Drama Discipline and The Whole Brained Child).

So why this one? Well, honestly I googled “Janet Lansbury” and “rude child” because I have felt that my 5 year old has been a bit demanding and rude to me lately. I needed a refresher. I need a refresher with every new phase my oldest child is in because it’s all unchartered water for me as a parent. With my second, I am so much more “unruffled” because I have been through it. These phases don’t bother me anymore. But man, that first born can really push my buttons...

And that’s one huge thing to remember - a lot of this is about me - what is pushing my buttons and causing me to be upset. My 5 year old being disrespectful to me “you’re not the boss of me, I’m the boss of my self!” makes me feel really disrespected, like I have no control over my own kid. And then I react from my feelings of failure. So what do we do in these moments?

Well, the experts in the podcast reminded me to
1. Hold the Limit - “show time is over”.
2. Validate their Feelings - “you’re upset that I am turning off the tv”
3. Connect - “I am right here with you while you are feeling angry” (disappointed)
4. Don’t let “you’re not the boss of me” hold power, let it roll off of me. Be “unruffled.” Because really, this tantrum is no big deal.

When our kids are upset, they are in distress. And Dr Byson said we can think about it as if they are physically hurt. There IS something in them that is disregulated, feels uncomfortable. So when they show us their emotions, first of all, it’s awesome because they are securely attached and feel safe to show us their uncomfortable emotions. And we can respond with “you sound so mad, how can I help?” Connection is more important in these moments than correcting.

What we don’t want to do is teach them that their emotions are bad or wrong. Feeling angry, frustrated, disappointed or sad is all apart of being a person, and if we “correct” them by reacting negatively to their emotions, they shut down. We need to be that safe space for them to express their feelings, even as they get older.

BUT, that doesn’t mean being permissive. Going back to point number 1: Hold the Limit. Validate for sure - you can even empathize or relate and say “I would feel disappointed too.” Disappointment is a part of life, and learning to experience it, feel it and then work on a solution is one of the best lessons we can teach in these moments (or in the calmer moments after a tantrum).

So...how do we wrap up an exchange like this? After we hold the limit, validate feelings and connect (while staying calm ourselves), we can then work on an appropriate solution or resolution. In my example above about tv time, I can present the options my son has when shows are over. Or we can choose what show he will pick for tomorrow. Options are great as long as it’s not trying to replace or distract from his feelings of anger or disappointment. It’s important he expresses those feelings to me in the moment, and I need to remind myself what an honor it is that he feels safe enough with me to show me his most painful emotions.

To listen to this podcast: https://m.soundcloud.com/janet-lansbury/the-securely-attached-child-and-how-to-handle-disrespectful-behavior-with-dr-tina-payne-bryson

Next on my reading list:
The Power of Showing Up by Tina Payne Bryson

​Holy cow. We are officially in this. And it is hard. When I heard schools were closed until the fall, I felt helpless and scared. And as with anything difficult in life I immediately think of my children and how I’m going to get us through this. This is what moms do - we get everyone to the other side. The other side of anything painful, challenging, difficult, you name it. Being a mother to small children is beautiful, but it is hard! Being a mother to little ones during a pandemic - exceptionally hard. However, we are here. And lucky for everyone, there is nothing stronger than a mother. It’s not a matter of “if” we can do this. We will do this. Feeling trapped, exhausted, isolated isn’t new for us. We’ve been here before - we are moms.  We have triumphed and we will once again. 


Isolating with children is truly a roller coaster. On one hand, life has come to a grinding stop. I can slow down. I’ve never really felt like that before. And for once I can stop and actually see my kids. I can be present. At times I find myself so joyful, laughing and snuggling with my four-year-old or studying my five-month-old’s eye lashes while he sleeps. Yet the next moment I’m so far away, floating in uncertainty and anxiety, trying to hide the tears in my eyes, worried about everything and everyone. I’m processing my daughter’s emotions all while trying to simultaneously process or suppress my own: is she crying because the picture she was drawing didn't come out "right" or is she really crying because she misses her teachers and can sense something is off with her parents?


In some ways it feels like everything has stopped. It feels like we are in a bad made-for-tv movie that’s playing out in front of us. As mothers, we don’t get to stop to watch. Sure, there are benefits. We are distracted from the horror. But we are also expected to keep life moving “as usual”. And let’s face it - it’s more work. More cleaning, more cooking, more entertaining, more negotiating, more putting out fights, and for some of us even trying to find time to work between all of that. Basically, no time to process what is happening. And certainly no time for ourselves - new concept for us? I think not. But still....


Please know that when you feel alone, or lost in this: we are all experiencing the same emotions. We are in this together.  Be there for each other. Reach out when you feel like you’re drowning or alone. Trust me, we all understand. Reach out when you feel like you’re winning - that can be helpful too. Remember: We have to hold onto hope right now, when we feel too weak to hold hope we can hold it for each other. 


So my message is: you are not alone. Truly. We really are in this together. And when we come out of this, which we will, we will need each other all over again, but in a different way.  That’s okay though, we got this, because there is nothing stronger than a mother.

I have been having tantrums. I’m not screaming or crying or dropping on the floor like a wet noodle. But, I have been letting my frustration and annoyance at my typical 3.5 year old’s behavior get the better of me and I’ve been expressing it a little too loudly in front of him. Recently, it’s when he’s hitting. My immediate reaction is fight - “Omg he’s hitting the dog - he’s going to be a psychopath!” Or embarrassment - there is nothing like parenting my own 3-year-old to make me extremely humble about my profession (child development).


Sometimes I only have a minor tantrum (like raising my voice and basically whining at him to just stop!), and I can recover quickly, but there are some sleep-deprived days when I just let it all out, and I am starting to realize how scary that must be for my little guy. It’s not that he shouldn’t see that I’m human and have emotions or get upset, but I’ve been acting like his minor (age-appropriate) lapses in self-control are a way bigger deal than they are. Even the big stuff like hitting or kicking - while it isn’t good and he can hurt the baby, my big fat reaction has only been making it worse.


Lately, I’ve been listening to a lot of podcasts and reading my favorite positive parenting guru, Janet Lansbury. Janet’s insight into understanding the toddler mind has been my saving grace, and I’ve started reading excerpts from her books almost like a daily devotional. Slowly but surely, her methods have begun to work their magic on me and my son.


In particular, my son has been expressing a lot of repressed feelings about his 9-month-old sister by hitting, pushing and kicking all of us. He’s currently experiencing a wonderful combination of typical 3.5 year old development, being constantly over-tired from dropping his naps, and lots of feelings about baby. Poor kiddo is letting it allll out now.


Last Sunday (Mother’s Day, yay!), it was rainy and gross, and he was overtired from a fun Saturday, and he COULD’T. STOP. HITTING. Normally in situations like this, my adrenaline kicks in and I can’t seem to remember my peaceful parenting training in the heat of the moment. But for whatever reason on that day (maybe my Mother’s Day mimosa chilled me out), I remained calm and could see that he needed my help, and I was able to calmly, but securely, hold onto his hands and tell him “I won’t let you hit. Hitting hurts.” This went on for a good 10 minutes. It was clear that his out-of-control hitting was him crying out for me to help him stop.

I realized two things:
- He needed me to physically set this limit with him because he felt so out of control. He couldn’t stop himsef.
- And he needed ME to remain calm and in control. To be his secure base to whom he could reveal his deepest feelings.

Because it’s scary for kids to feel out of control, and it’s even scarier to see their parents out of control. He needed me to be his calm anchor. And in that really difficult moment, it worked. He released a LOT of emotions and wanted me to hold him while he cried and cried. And my sweet little boy was back.


Now my goal is to take care of myself so I have enough sleep and patience that I don’t overreact when he acts out. So that I don’t feel afraid or embarrassed about his emotional outbursts. So I can realize in the moment that him pushing limits is how a 3-year-old asks for help. And so that in those moments, I can be the peaceful parent I strive to be.

No, it's not your kid. Yes, the child's caregiver is most likely prepared in case of an allergic reaction. BUT, it's so simple and easy for us (parents/caregivers whose kids do not have allergies) to help prevent allergic reactions in children. 

+We all know that preschools and facilities like Marblehead Parenting, the JCC and the YMCA are nut-free, so we don't pack nuts or nut butter in our kids snacks and lunches. However, it was only when my son started preschool (and started eating peanut butter non-stop), that I realized how dangerous it would be for children with allergies if I sent him off without washing his hands and face. 

A local mom recently posted on Facebook about an incident that happened to her son. He has several severe allergies including egg. She was just finishing her breakfast (and wiped her hands and face) when her son jumped into her arms. She didn't think in the moment about the potential egg residue that could be on her as she started to get him dressed, and he broke out in hives everywhere that she touched him. Thankfully this reaction was not severe enough to warrant benadryl or an epipen, but the egg residue could have easily gotten into his mouth had he kissed his mama after she had eaten her breakfast.

Another incident involved a child in one of our Child Development classes. He also has an egg allergy, and when the children in class began to play in the sensory table, he broke out in hives. One of the children in class had eaten eggs for breakfast hours before, yet the residue managed to remain and make its way through the sensory activity to the allergic child. This was entirely my lack of foresight. Now when I know of a child's allergy, we take special measures and make sure the other children have washed up prior to playing with the same activity.

​Most contact reactions result in hives. So if a child touches another child who has egg (or other allergens) on their hands the allergic child usually breaks out in hives. However, babies and young toddlers are curious about each other. They like faces and often like to touch each others noses, mouths or eyes, and if there are traces of the allergen (like peanut butter) on the child's finger that gets into one of these orifices, the allergic child can have an anaphylactic reaction - stop breathing and require immediate treatment from an epipen.

The most common food allergies in children that can cause anaphylaxis and/or contact dermatitis are:

• peanuts.
• tree nuts (such as walnuts and cashews)
• milk
• shellfish (such as shrimp)
• fish
• eggs

So I urge you, parents and caregivers, to think about what the children and parents of allergies go through every time they go to a playground or to school or a class with other children. We can take an extra minute before leaving the house to wash our children's hands and faces and make sure their clothes are at the very least egg, nut and fish free before heading out the door.

(Please note: my child does not have allergies and I am also educating myself. Please feel free to comment with additions or amendments to this post.)

Please see the Cross Contact Section of the following form on other ways to help prevent reactions:

​Back to school is stressful for parents of school-age children but it and can also raise many questions and concerns for parents of babies, toddlers, and preschoolers too. Let us help!

Should I sign my child up for something? It seems like a lot of money up front. Maybe I should just do drop-in. Would they get the same benefits from a play-date? How am I going to meet other moms and make friends? How do I get my child to share? My child is shy. I'm so stressed out and exhausted!

Should I sign my child up for something? Are they too young?

• Repetition: "Again, again!" Repetition is the way children learn. Their brains make neural connections when songs, activities, and routines are repeated week to week. A child is never too young or too old to learn. The first time they sing a song, they absorb the pattern of the song, the next week the tune, next the words, then the motions, and then putting all those pieces together at the same time. As children mature, they begin to speak up confidently with requests for certain songs, anticipate the next verse, make up some of their own moves, and ask questions about the concepts the song explores. Enrolling in and consistently attending classes is an easy way to consistently help kids develop along their learning path.

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Maybe I should just do drop-in.

• Consistency: When a child attends a class each week with the same teacher, children and routine, they know what to expect. They feel safety in the routine. From this place of safety, children feel free to explore that week's activity, learn new songs that have been added to the lineup, and explore the boundaries of their new friendships. Developing a bond with an adult in a teaching role is also an important developmental milestone. This prepares them for success in preschool and beyond! Children develop healthy self-esteem and confidence when they learn a routine and can then jump in to help out with the next activity, play different roles in games and activities, and anticipate the patterns of the class. Even the pattern of "Tuesday we eat breakfast, drive this path, park in this spot, and walk to class the same way" helps your child to feel control amidst the chaos of life.
• You're More Likely to Attend: With our modern lives, something always comes up. When you aren't enrolled and haven't prepaid for a class in advance, it's far easier to skip it. Making life consistent for your child helps them to be their best self and having a structure that helps you do that is invaluable! Even grown-ups benefit from routine! ​

​Would they get the same benefits from a play-date?  How am I going to meet other moms and make friends?  How do I get my child to share?  My child is shy and doesn't make friends easily.  

• Familiar Faces:  Experimenting with new people and group activities is how we make friends!  Weekly classes include the same children week to week so that there are multiple friend-making opportunities and our small class sizes encourage bonding.  Developing new friendships for your child (and you!) takes time and consistency, learning (and singing!) their names, laughing with them as they do something that is "so them."  Exploring sharing, feelings, self-advocating, gentle touch, frustration, and empathy are all important parts of a "play-based learning" approach.  These special friendships teach our children lifelong skills for how to approach new social situations.

​It seems expensive.  I could hire a babysitter for less than that.  

• Incredible Value:  Our classes are discounted when you pay for the session.  Classes range in price $10-$18/class at the session rate and classes are between 45-60 minutes - the lowest prices and longest classes in town.   Marblehead Parenting offers high-quality classes at an affordable rate because we care deeply about children, family, AND community.
• Your Place is Reserved:  We keep our classes small, and they fill up!  When you enroll in a class, there's no fear of it being too full.
• Our Classes Will Be Here:  Having required enrollment means our classes are sustainable and will always be a resource for our community.  It helps our teachers to really know each child.  They can prepare the appropriate amount of materials as well as developmentally appropriate activities geared toward the kids in the class.  When we see kids on a weekly basis, we are better able to give professional advice.  Our teachers are all highly trained and knowledgeable professionals in their respective fields.  

I'm so stressed out and exhausted!

• Relax!  We've got this.  The best benefit of enrolling in classes with Marblehead Parenting is that you can sit back and enjoy your child while you let someone else do the hard work.  Your child feels safe and secure, the activities are planned, prepped, and cleaned up.  Songs are memorized and routine is taken care of.  Run out to the car, go to the restroom, sit back in your floor chair with your coffee.  Cuddle, sing, chat, and watch the magic happen.  
• Free Open Play:  Children who are registered in any class are able to attend open play during that class session.  We will release our open play schedule once the weather starts to turn cold.
• Unlimited Make-Ups:  We know that life DOES get in the way sometimes with sicknesses and travel.  You are welcome to attend any of our classes as a make-up for missed classes within the current class session.​

A Personal Relationship:  As a small, family run business, we are accessible.  A handful of local, consistent, and incredible teachers and owner Sara Timm-Bane - a local mom and Child Development specialist - make up the Marblehead Parenting team.  We love what we do and we care about our community and future generations.  We are happy to help you find the appropriate class for your child.  Sara wants you to have the best parenting experience possible and is happy to chat via phone, email, or even messenger!

Receive the full benefit of the class.

See our full schedule HERE and click on the links to register for our Fall classes.

Contact Sara:

Email:  [email protected]
Phone: 805-895-9131
Facebook:  facebook.com/marbleheadparenting
www.marbleheadparenting.com